Talking To Myself

Today I realized that control freaks may possibly have the hardest time learning the ropes of love. I say so because I am one. Almost four years in a relationship and it’s still not enough. I realize that I’m an amateur. It’s hard to give up the control and let another person take lead in something that, oh I don’t know, affects your life? Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning when things don’t go the way I wanted them and I feel like I’ve completely forgotten how to swim. I’m a spoiled brat who is on the verge of throwing emotional tantrums, except that I’m a twenty plus young adult.

You have these ideals of what happiness is. I cannot count the number of times I have felt disappointment even in the simplest things just because I wanted things to happen the way they happened in my head. I couldn’t let go. It’s just my way or not at all. But this is love. It conquers everything. Eventually you realize, after your head has cooled off, that letting go may not be as bad as you imagined it. The uncertainties doesn’t seem so scary anymore. (Look, you’re still alive!) And that eventually you hand the reigns of your life to that another individual and trust (trust!)– that he won’t let anything bad happen to you. He will not hurt you… at least not on purpose. That you can’t control his life; he is another human being that makes mistakes like you do. Trust him because you have to, because you have no choice and that if you don’t, this relationship wouldn’t work at all without it. Trust that he won’t make the mistakes he once did, the way he trusts you not to make the mistakes you did as well. Forgive. You cross your fingers, pray and hope that loosing control, purposely loosing and letting go, is an investment you never regret. The greatest investment you can ever make in your life.

I talk to myself a lot lately. Because I know that nobody can fix this, only I can. Only you can, if you’re having the same issues I do. I can talk to him all day, all night, the whole year, my whole life but we will not get anywhere unless I let myself go and trust this person to not crash my life. But I’m not there yet! I’m far from it. But realizing this, all these, it’s a step in the right direction. Because eventually this once in a lifetime something I have with this person is enough to conquer any freak in my nature.

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