Why?

My family and I went to an eye clinic last Sunday to have my grandfather’s eyes checked. I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to have mine checked as well. I have been having the most terrible headaches lately and I want to rule out my vision as the one causing it.

Since I last had it checked my eye grades haven’t changed but I need correction. I am near-sighted too, you see. And seeing things at a distance has been incredibly troubling. So anyway, for the first time, I chose a frame and I was fitted for my first eyeglasses ever. The doctor told me to cut on the sweets and salts though, it might be causing my headaches or I may be having migraines. There was really a point where I swear I want to bang my head against a wall because it’s just that bad. I won’t be getting the glasses for another two days though, so here, I wait.

I’ve also been looking for a reason to write lately but even when my head’s full, the sorting out is the hardest part. Where do you start exactly? I’ve been thinking about family, work, myself, current relationships and other decisions in life I have to make and all I got was a jumbled mess and even more frustration.

Do you ever get that feeling sometimes where you’re very angry but you don’t know how to place it? Like, why am I so angry all the time? Like the world has done some great injustice to me… only I can’t figure out what is it exactly. I’d list down every little emotion that I feel but it’s going to be a long list.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I might be heartless after all. It’s a pretty heavy thing to say I know. But I suppose I’m the kind of person who finds it hard to care for people I really don’t care about. You could easily say, “…then don’t. You don’t have to like everybody”, right? But what if they’re family? When you’re supposed to care, to feel something for them simply because they’re your blood; simply because by default you’re supposed to love them. But I don’t and I can’t. I feel apathetic most of the time. I don’t want it, but it’s how I feel and I’m afraid it’s making me a bad person and I’ve been finding a way to deal with it.

I keep analyzing things. Why am I unhappy? I have never tried opening up completely to someone other than my current boyfriend. Not even a friend. I’m scared to be honest. I’m scared about what they might think. I’m afraid that they’re not interested; they won’t listen. I keep having conversations with myself but I haven’t gotten anywhere. There’s nothing more I haven’t told myself.

Why am I so scared of everything?

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