Like today. I have been unemployed for three weeks now since my hospital contract ended. Even though I stayed for a year in that hospital, strangely, I don’t miss the work at all. I know most of us wanted to be called back but I don’t. I really don’t. It was tiring to say the least. Did I have fun? Yes. Do I miss it? No. I don’t want to say it, because saying it makes it feels like it’s true (it might as well be) but being a nurse might not be my calling.
So what other calling is there? Sadly, none. I really don’t know how to do anything else. I studied this for four freaking years, reviewed for months, took my boards only to land in unemployment. Surely, you can’t imagine for frustrating that is for me. I didn’t come from a well off family.
Sometimes I wonder whether I think too much or I perceive more than what is really on my plate. Days like these are those times. I see no stable future yet and it’s really heavy on my shoulders right now.
Tomorrow, may be different. It will be different. On some days I have this false sense of bravado; I can take on any challenge. I can pass on anything. There’s nothing impossible.
It differs mostly from day to day. When your emotions are like roller coasters it’s pretty hard to muster resolve to plan for the future. I can do this; no, I don’t think I can. I’m ready; no, I’m not.
Well today, everything seems impossible.