Patience is a talent.

Hey! I guess it has been a month since my last blog, but it felt longer than that. How’s everyone’s summer so far?

I bet you all are having the best summer of your life. I wish I could say the same but I’m just here working my shifts at the hospital. You must think how noble of me and productive but it doesn’t feel like that at all. I’m barely enjoying the time of my life. In fact I am having the most frustrating time of my life yet hence the lack of updates.

Anyway as an update:

  • We have a new pup, another dachshund and my mom decided to name her Yumi. She is the cutest thing ever, I swear. She runs around the house a lot and sleeps like a drunk.
  • Trying to be more productive and active. Unfortunately I am still in the process of finding where to channel my energy. I am, however, focusing my attention on this little online shop my boyfriend and I maintain. I’m setting a goal and wanting to prove something to myself and the people around me.
  • Falling in and out of my emotions lately, something I don’t understand at all.

I sometimes wonder whether I am just intuitive of everything or just plain sensitive. Probably the latter but I could also be one good reader. I read into people’s actions, facial reactions, responses a little too much and I end up making conclusions in my head. I get hurt because of these assumptions. It sucks big time and no, nothing short on beneficial at all.

I feel limited. Most of the time. I earn a meager salary, enough for an allowance for a whole month. My mom seems to be intent in cutting her expenses from me so she didn’t renew some of my cards, stopped paying for them altogether which sucks, naturally. At times I feel like crying, like a child no doubt thinking of all the things I need and want. I feel ashamed having to ask her for money when my allowance wouldn’t seem to suffice. Sometimes I feel like a boarder. But then again I think about all the other people who are less fortunate than I am and then I feel like a whiner. But still… There’s just so many things I want to happen in my life right now and it isn’t happening. Patience isn’t really one of the greatest virtues I have.

It pains me as well how my mom seems to ask me a lot why I don’t tell her the things I should? You see, it’s not that I don’t want to. I just didn’t grow up like most daughters do; tell their mom everything and be their best friend. She has always been strict and I guess part of that has developed me into this stiff person, afraid and careful of what I should and shouldn’t say. On most days I feel like breaking out but it’s not that easy to get out of the mold I’ve been growing into. It breaks my heart to want to tell everything but I can’t. I don’t feel like growing up at all.

I miss Jeff most of all. I’ve always been free with him. He set me free and he taught me the things I’d probably never learn. I learned them the hard way; I was so stubborn. With him I think anything in my life is possible. We’ve already started drafting plans for our future and it would take a lot of sacrifice and discipline from the both of us, but attainable, right? Nothing ever worth it comes easy after all. He gets me like no one else does and what I would give to spend the night with him.

 

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