It’s feels like it’s been a long while since Jeff and I hung out, since even if we meet there’s always something important to do. Most of our dates are for something official that needs to be done. I really can’t say it’s been quality time and I complained somewhere along the way even though I know that I need to understand (he’s being responsible after all). We fought a lot.
I don’t understand my insecurities sometimes. I know, I know that I have this amazing person inside who is so much more than the person I compare myself with but I can’t seem to set light on it. He sees it, I don’t. I didn’t know I have mistrust issues only until recently. I doubt people– myself even. It’s destructive on my esteem, on our relationship. Like a paranoid, I always assume there’s something behind, an ulterior motive whether good or bad.
I’m writing all this because after the fiasco we had just a few days back, I’m starting to feel that pang of irrational jealousy again. I hate it; I wish it’d stop. It’s wrong, considering it’s the shallowest of reasons. I am insane sometimes. I write because I want to be diverted and as I write, I can try to be reasonable by laying out the facts. I need security, to protect myself and him. I need to be grounded.
Right now I am calm.
On a lighter note, I had lunch with him and his tita at a mall. I wasn’t up to it since I wasn’t in the mood to mingle and be friendly but somehow it turned out great. For the first time as well, I met his best friend whom I only have heard for a long time. I’m not really great with introductions and talking with people I’ve just met but we warmed up before the day ended at least, and even got them to meet my hyperactive dog Pepper. (I conclude I am socially awkward, combined with haughty looks no one seems to want to approach).
It’s Jeff’s birthday tomorrow and I still haven’t thought of anything to give. I’m broke, by the way so the gift will be late. But better late than never! Only I can’t really think of anything at the moment which sucks big time. (Note to self: you suck at giving gifts). But I am really eager since I haven’t really given him a lot, since the watch I gave him a year ago I think. I’m such a poor girl, I have no choice but to be a cheapskate. Anyone with suggestions?