My heart out.

I’m not the best girlfriend. I’m crazy and I have a lot of insecurities and issues that get the best of me most of the time. I used to think I’m reasonable and rational but you learn a lot of things when you start sharing yourself with another person. I am surprised that most perceptions I have of myself is wrong, and not only did it lead me astray, I felt confused and lost. Who am I really?

I’ve never tried playing in a relationship before. I’ve always been serious. It’s always been all or nothing; I don’t go half way and wait for things to settle. I’m in my first serious relationship with a guy nine years my senior and over the almost two years (in a few days) we’ve been together, there’s been a lot of compromise between him and me. His understanding of my young nature and naivete, impulsiveness and selfishness, and I of changing a lot to reach his maturity, understanding his sensibilities, of the things he doesn’t do anymore just because it’s not his thing anymore. We had misgivings, both of us.

But our differences has been taking toll lately and I’m not sure what to regret more. That I haven’t had enough relationships before to understand the demands of our relationship or making the choice to dive in a relationship obviously out of my league. I did think I’m going to be good at it, experiences aside, but who knew about the hoops along the way? We all start hopefuls, after all. If there was a rank in relationships, I’m amateur, a rookie.

My idealistic views have taken toll on me as well. It shattered my glass wall of fairy tales of how relationships should be. It hurt a lot.

But I’m slowly learning. Slowly but getting there. When he asks for time alone and space, I obliged because I knew I needed it too. That the reason I was going berserk for the past few weeks was because I was having a hard time adjusting to changes around us. I wanted things to happen that couldn’t be done, and I’m having a hard time accepting. I was a coward because even though I knew I needed it, I couldn’t ask for it. His words make me stay. I’m in love and I’m scared that it could be the end of all things. It’s a road I haven’t traveled before. What lies ahead? Is my faith enough to keep us together? I’m not so sure but I’ll have to see for myself.

But if there’s one thing I’m sure off, I needed to grow up faster if I intend to make us work. It’s ill timed considering it’s our second anniversary in eight days and his birthday in four days but he asked for it. it’s not the same like the first time he asked for it; I couldn’t breath, couldn’t eat, I could function well enough and I cry at the smallest reminders but he toughened me up. I can eat, I can do my stuff, his unkind words I can consider. Sometimes, numbing/gradual desensitization is a good process.


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