Some days I feel like crap and jailed in a nutshell I can’t seem to get out of, feeling miserable and hating everyone else for even the smallest of things I cannot rationalize. I can’t help feeling that way but the guilt consumes me; I must have a really bad attitude.
I wish for an off and on button sometimes– a way to control my emotions and find a way to stop it from hurting me. I am walking on a self destructive path. I need a way to protect me from myself. When my esteem gets in the way, I want to hurl things at the world and inflict pain so I can soothe myself.
If only for a little while, until the guilt kicks back in.
Anyhow, I know the root of all this. So many things I want to do, to happen to my life right now that I can’t make happen. There are no progress and it feels like everything is moving in slow motion. I’ve been below for quite a long time now. I want to be independent. I want to stop caring about things I shouldn’t and care more about myself without being hindered and scared. I want to be alone and still feel okay, not lonely, not abandoned.
Maybe I really do need some alone time. To think and figure things out. I don’t know what I want anymore, I don’t know what’s right sometimes. I can’t tell if I have enough and I’m just demanding for more or it’s just not enough. Happiness is hard. I’m working my way with it all the time and fighting for all the things that is tearing me apart and frankly, it feels pretentious sometimes.