Ambivalence

I find myself ambivalent with everything at the moment and I can’t help but blame myself for being inconsistent. I’ve always wanted to start something new but it always ends up with nothing or often times, half-assed. I always seem to lose interest sooner or later and it’s one thing I’ve always hated about me. I guess it’s one reason why I’ve always felt mediocre. I couldn’t follow through even if I wanted to. I always lose inspiration and motivation.

Anyhow, I received news the other day of passing the qualifying exam at Quezon City General Hospital (QCGH). I’m not sure if I’m already in the program or if there’s still some processing to do so I can’t be so sure if I can be happy already (happy for something to do, not happy for unpaid work). The Philippine setting for nurses is really bad. Most of the time, if not always, you don’t get it by skills alone but by knowing someone from inside the institution. That being said, it makes me feel frustrated and almost desperate, knowing I don’t have those connections.

Here’s to hoping for the best for the next few days/weeks. I want to meet new people or be with anyone else other than myself, be in a clinical setting and for once, actually feel like I know what I’m doing.

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