I’m in a really bad funk lately about things trivial and unnecessary, I’m not even going to try to explain. So tonight I rummage through my old music files and found some tracks I felt like listening tonight. And I fell in love.

It may seem like I’m an avid fan of something that makes adults raise an eyebrow and find weird. They used to question me a lot why I listen to Arashi or Kanjani8 when I can’t even understand a single word. Correction: I can understand a few. Bits and pieces here and there because my passion for this interest made me try to understand the language (it died eventually, not because I want to but because I got busy. Studying to become a nurse is not the easiest thing on this planet). Sometimes I even wish I was a different person (now, this is childish). But music was an exception. I found in them what ingredient was missing in the music I can understand. It made me feel.

These things were a part of my growing up. I spent a good year of my life following these idols. It was a puzzle piece to who I am. And I’ve been a feeling a little lost lately. I can’t remember the things I used to like really hard. I can’t remember what makes me feel kilig/giddy aside from my boyfriend. I rummaged my old music files and found ARASHI’s music.

And I fell in love all over again. If you are a fan, then you know how it feels to hear Nino play the piano. Or how you see Sho rapping in such a light… I cannot put words into. It’s not because I’m a hardcore, rabid fan girl. (I swear I’m not because apparently I’m too contrite to be one ) It’s because damn the music makes me feel good and it brings back good memories. These interests of mine made me list down a draft of my dreams and goals for the future me. Of course that has changed. But it’s not a memory that made me cringe or made me feel in the least bit embarrassed. It makes me smile and think I was that hopeful girl once upon a time. Once upon a time before life got the best of me.

The point is, I just found a “me” I haven’t seen in quite a while and I felt in love like I did a few years ago when I was watching and listening with admiration.

What about you? What makes you feel in love again?

/rant

I also feel like I haven’t written a decent entry yet. I don’t feel like I’ve written anything that actually has my heart in it (not that I’m writing a lot lately anyway, but still). It’s getting harder and harder to organize anything in my head the more that I skip writing. I must be getting rusty, yes?  I haven’t read a book in quite a while even.

It’s been raining hard all afternoon. When Jeff and I got home, we decided that while I sleep, he can play the PS2 console here at home. But since it’s been a little too cold and dark, we both fell asleep on the couch. I wake up from time to time to see him and I’m glad he’s getting sleep. He’s been up all night trying to work his mind up regarding his problem. I worry a lot. I could be grumpy all I want but today is all about him, so I put my toddler issues aside be the person he needs me to be. I just want to cheer him up for even a little while.

Trip home from graveyard duty is a bitch, I tell you. I’m scared to fall asleep in a public transportation because a) I’m afraid once I wake up, I have nothing left. b) I may not look my best asleep on a vehicle. I might drool. I might fall over. Keyword here is might. Because when I lack some rest, I sleep like it’s nobody’s business. That’s fine at home, but somewhere public, it’s such a huge effort to maintain some kind of dignity and respect when you’re drooling and sleeping off on some stranger’s shoulder. Nope, not the kind where there’s a cute guy, etc. The kind where they push your head away because they find you annoying. Oh, the horror.

Anyway, I get to date our PS2 and play games. Something that I’ve been planning to do all freaking day long except I slept all day. But I still have all night so I’ll do just that. I don’t think I could sleep early since my sleep wake cycles are messed up now.

(Oh and great, WP just erased everything I wrote.)

Here’s to hoping tomorrow will be better. Cheers!

So, as a solution to that, my mom bought this Globe Tattoo stick. I hate it initially but I am very, very impressed with its performance. It’s fast! And I can open a few tabs all at once without having to wait at least five minutes before it loads, unlike the previous sticks they had before. Slow like a freaking dial up, what the hell. We have the Tattoo 999Php (not sure what it’s called) and it’s my mom’s so I’m thinking of getting my own stick, probably the Tattoo Flash sometime soon.

It only depresses me though that I won’t be able to download the shows I’m following like I used to. I ind it a bit of a hassle to load 50Php every day to avail the unlimited surfing but oh well. It does the job, and that means a lot from what I initially expected.

Time flies by so fast! In a few days time I’m done with my Surgery rotation and I still don’t have any idea where I’ll be put in next. If I had a choice, I’d love to be retained. I like Surgery. I got used to the people already. I know how it works. But now I have to adjust again at some other area. It’s sad. (And I know I originally hate the area but like I said, you get used to it).

I’m thinking of taking up Critical Care Nursing training sometime in the future, by the way. There’s adrenaline in situations where the patient is arresting that I love, for some reason. And I would really like to learn more about it. I wanted to be an EMT/Paramedic since before I became registered and I would have started training for it if not for the following reasons: a) I’m not fit b) the training is freaking expensive! Around 30k expensive. It needs saving up. Did I mention I am so freaking broke right now?

On the up side, my hair is long and I just recently had it rebonded again. It’s a painful process I tell you! Or at least for me! My hair is damaged and with every pull I can freaking hear it break! It makes me want to cry. But it turned out okay eventually and I guess I should promise to take better care of it this time around. Hey, I’m thinking of growing it really long. What do you think? Pictures maybe next time! (And I should probably tell you the place where I got it done, I still haven’t gotten over it).

Jeff and I argued a lot yesterday and the night before over the silliest things. Like I was supposed to prepare food for the both of us but he was angry because I didn’t bring rice (I told him to bring it!); fully expecting he could eat a good meal. We ended up eating cup noodles in silence. I was very pissed off over the wasted food we didn’t get to eat and he was pissed over the fact that he expected.

Another one is this. Pepper, the adorable dog that she is, chewed Jeff’s 8gb phone memory card that I borrowed from him. It’s a good thing I saved the photos from the memory card or else… I really don’t know what he would have done. Here’s what it looked like from my dog’s mouth:

Nope, he wasn't the least bit happy at all when I told him.

We argued over the phone, quite loudly now that I think of it (and my dad hearing it downstairs makes me a bit embarrassed) because I placed a wrong order (not really wrong but incomplete) on one of our supplier for our shop’s clients. It’s a waste of money, naturally and I have already informed the client how I should be shipping their orders about next week, much to her excitement. Now, how do I explain she might need to wait a little longer? Yes, we argued over that plus the various things and issues it morphed into. Business is freaking hard; someone is about to make a mistake sooner or later whom in this case, is me.

And then my laptop charger giving up on me. It just gave up! I really need my laptop on a daily basis, even if I have nothing completely important to do. So I’m in a “blah” mood ever since. Today, my brother and I decided to dissect it (my father said so!) so he can take a look at what’s wrong inside. It’s not under warranty anymore so I guess that’s okay. But it didn’t really bring any good, it’s still whacked. I need to get a new one.

my dissected laptop charger

On a better note, look what I got the other day:

red and navy blue satchel <3

I’ve been thinking about how I’d love to have a new bag lately, only I can’t decide what. I bought this because I fell in love with the colors. I got a 13″ satchel because the 11″ although cheaper might not be enough for the stuff I usually bring. I’ve been lugging this to work the past few days but I realized I hate bringing it. The synthetic leather gets scratched easily and I’m afraid it might peel off a little too soon. I don’t have time to be careful so I decided to just bring it around when I occasionally go out. My pink Jansport is still my best bet. (I’m thinking of buying Jeff a satchel though!)

I still have a few purchases lately but I haven’t taken a photo of it so I’ll save it for next time.

I should probably stop making excuses or explain why I haven’t written in a long while (because nobody really reads that shit, let alone care) and actually talk about something substantial. There’s a lot going on everyday but being back to actively writing after a long while, I feel like my vocabulary froze up and I can’t express myself well enough. I blame it on not being able to read leisurely like I used to and to the general lack of practice in writing alone. I turn sabaw when I try too hard to squeeze anything.

I declare that I am in a forever love-hate relationship with WordPress and many times I am tempted to go back to Blogspot where there are more customizations available and I don’t have to pay anything for it. But I like it here because it’s neat. So I’m staying. (Although excuse my changing of themes often because I just can’t get the look I want).

Anyway, hey! I’m on graveyard shifts now! And I’m in Surgery ward. Am I happy? No. I can’t regulate my body to stay awake at the unholy hours of the evening/morning. I get so grumpy at around 2AM– I can’t even keep my eyes open. The fact that I’m working with le boyfriend on graveyards isn’t helping at all. Most of the time we’re too busy to talk anyway.

As if on cue, patients turn on fevers at 40 C every four hours. Half the time I am expecting them to convulse with fevers that high but thank you Lord, they haven’t. Or at least not yet. Relatives panicking but when I try to advise them to do something (independent action first!), they won’t do it anyway. Panic comes first apparently, no matter what assurance I give. So, paracetamol it is. (Trivia: do you know how damn hard it is to aspirate that bloody drug in a syringe? So viscous! Makes my fingers hurt every freaking time, considering I give about ten doses in a shift!) Only when you give medication do they believe that you’re actually doing something for them.

The biggest challenge has always been trying to keep a friendly tone and not sound pissed. Some of the patient’s guardians would really argue. I couldn’t blame them though since they really don’t have the knowledge needed to prioritize and to know when serious is serious. Most of the time they’d think you weren’t paying enough attention on the patient when you weigh the condition as “not really urgent”.

I try to love it here in Surgery but as of the moment I’m finding it hard to. Philippine government setting: no supplies, even alcohol or gloves. No syringe supplies! I’ll make a mental note never, ever be confined in a government hospital. I’d rather spend for my health. J. removed a foley cath barehanded some days ago. My jaw dropped to the floor; I wanted to be angry. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Touch something that just came from a patient’s privates with bare hands, are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS.

But that aside, quite sure he’ll never do it again. Gross.

Anyway, in case you’re wondering what Day 35/365 means, it’s my current one year contract with the hospital I’m working at right now as a Nurse under the Department of Health program RN Heals. Counting the days of my one year work as a nurse!

I’ll try to write about some of the stuff that keeps me sane and happy in my next post maybe, so I won’t bore you with my everyday hospital experiences. Being a nurse and being a patient in a government hospital is tough, tougher for the latter. I am sorry if it’s not ideal practice but we make do with what we can with so limited resources.

Also, I found some bloggers from the past! Please check them out in my Fellow Bloggers list. If you have a blog, do drop me a link. I’d love to exchange links with you. I’ve been on a search for blogs to read on a regular basis so drop me a line!

I am supposed to time in  before 6 AM at least. I was walking across the pedestrian when this girl who obviously works at the hospital runs past me– not in this sissy kind of running but really running marathon-like! Holy shit, she’s taking it so seriously was what I initially thought. People were looking. But then I am going to be late too so I tried to run too (but I can’t do it at par with what this girl did). She timed in at exactly 6AM; I timed in at 6:01.

And then, damn I’m late again. I’m feeling murderous; I have been late thrice already this month alone.

I was hoping they would overlook a minute of tardiness though because I was supposed to be out of work at exactly 2PM, but knowing how nurses can’t leave their post until everything is done, I clocked out at 2:44 PM. If they don’t think that’s compensation for my tardiness, I don’t know what else is.

Today by far has been the most toxic of the two weeks I have spent inside the OR/DR complex. We had six admissions plus three more who are in the labor room. There’s been a lot of emergency this morning apparently.

We underestimate the value of proper medical assistance thinking we can delay for a while and it won’t have any impact at all. A mother who was supposed to give birth to twins traveled for two hours before getting to our hospital. Her first baby was born safely; the other twin didn’t make it by the time she reached us. I am not the best judge as to what happened but who is to blame really? How do you explain to the other twin that hey, you’re supposed to be twins but… when the time comes? I’m not even sure the mother knows she’s giving birth to twins because she doesn’t seem to be having regular checkups.

I have no words for so much neglect.

To some I may sound judgmental but believe me, I am not or at least I try not to be. But even the doctors shake their heads to 18 year old mothers who already have three kids. THREE KIDS. Girl, haven’t you heard of condoms? Will you be a mother of ten by the time you reach 30? One thing most of us apparently neglect is responsible parenthood; it’s never too early to learn how to be one. When I assist the doctors and talk to these mothers, talk to them through the delivery, my mind wanders about what they do at home, how they feed this poor souls, how they’d manage to get them to school someday? I thought about it, but have they? They’re not even mature enough yet to be starting their own family. Heck, they can’t even get married.

I try to understand but sometimes I just want to give them a piece of my mind but it’s going to be an effort to make it sound like a “health teaching”, so. But I try, you know? These babies just doesn’t deserve this kind of life or for what lies ahead.

On a lighter note, I am feeling so much better! The stomach flu has now passed, I think. I can eat normally but still taking precautionary measures in case it’s not completely gone yet but I am well rested and ready for work again.

I just want to be well and be able to work like a normal person and not feel like I’m going to pass out every single time.  Please get well soon.

We had six admissions today at the delivery room. I know that’s still manageable, but not for someone in my condition. I just want to lie down and sleep at every stretcher I see as if it’s calling out to me. I haven’t slept at all the night before. I’m bordering hypoglycemia, but I can’t just eat anything or else I’d be staying half the shift inside the toilet.

Imagine not having any energy left at all to change out of my scrubs suits when the shift ended. I wish I could just teleport home instantly.

Never drinking in my life again!

1. I got accepted in the RN Heals program of DOH. This is definitely good news because I AM GETTING PAID. Yes, for one whole year as a legit working staff nurse in a tertiary hospital of my choice! They say this is pretty strong recommendation too since it’s under the DOH. Although, this will require a lot of changes again when it comes to my environment and the people I work with. There’s going to be a lot of adaptation again. I haven’t formally said my goodbyes yet to my co-trainees at the hospital but I miss them already! Work is definitely so much better when you’re having fun and you like the people you work with. So I can only hope that I won’t be having any problems at all in this new workplace and I keep my cool.

2. My skin regimen/facial routine is working well. Well, I did think my skin wasn’t that great until I learned to take care of it. Nothing fancy or expensive here, seriously. I have less white heads, less black heads. The pimples are occasionally there, I suppose it can’t be helped. It’s part of my life to stay up late, hormonal surges, etc. But definitely manageable. The only con here is that I’m more oily now than usual because my pores are not clogged anymore. But, like I said, still manageable. I blot around twice in a day whenever I’m out so that’s not really bad for maintenance. Some of the stuff I do, you’ve probably heard before but if not, well, you might want to try them out. I’ll try to list them next time.

Le boyfriend and I watched Puss in Boots today as a treat for ourselves. I loved it! It was hilarious and full of cuteness. Cat lovers are going to die from all the adorable goodness! I was a little embarrassed because I may have laughed a little too loud but really, watch it in 3D because it’s worth it, all the watchers are laughing at all the right places. I kind of hated Humpty Dumpty but he had a good twist so it was balanced, all in all. Oh, also! The dance sequences are amazing! Watch it if you haven’t yet!