Tonight I’m in love

Once upon a time, I’ve been a fan of anime, Japanese pop songs, asian dramas and pretty Asian boys. But I grew up and life got the best of me, eventually the interest dwindled  away.

I’m in a really bad funk lately about things trivial and unnecessary, I’m not even going to try to explain. So tonight I rummage through my old music files and found some tracks I felt like listening tonight. And I fell in love.

It may seem like I’m an avid fan of something that makes adults raise an eyebrow and find weird. They used to question me a lot why I listen to Arashi or Kanjani8 when I can’t even understand a single word. Correction: I can understand a few. Bits and pieces here and there because my passion for this interest made me try to understand the language (it died eventually, not because I want to but because I got busy. Studying to become a nurse is not the easiest thing on this planet). Sometimes I even wish I was a different person (now, this is childish). But music was an exception. I found in them what ingredient was missing in the music I can understand. It made me feel.

Parental Issues

I really try to understand her but sometimes relationships with moms are just difficult. Especially with my mom. Sometimes she’s just so self-absorbed. I’d talk to her if I could but that would be an endless futile attempt because I can never get the right words to use. Explaining what she makes me feel is a task I’d rather skip. Jeff would tell me all the time that she’s getting old and I should just understand her and ignore it. The feeling of annoyance would eventually go away. It gets me through the day somehow. But sometimes I feel alienated. And yet she questions me why I never open up to her. This is exactly the reason why. She’s judgmental, she’s controlling. Self righteous. I can never get it right by her. Ever.

/rant

Damp rain smell.

I skipped going to work today. It was supposed to be my last graveyard shift for this month but I realized I’m too tired and I needed sleep. I dropped by my boyfriend’s house this morning after my shift; he’s been going through a rough patch at work lately and I know he needs someone to be with him to keep his mind off of things. Only I wish I could do more for him but I can only hold his hand. Anyway, thus explaining why I haven’t slept properly yet because I’ve been with him all morning.

I also feel like I haven’t written a decent entry yet. I don’t feel like I’ve written anything that actually has my heart in it (not that I’m writing a lot lately anyway, but still). It’s getting harder and harder to organize anything in my head the more that I skip writing. I must be getting rusty, yes?  I haven’t read a book in quite a while even.

It’s been raining hard all afternoon. When Jeff and I got home, we decided that while I sleep, he can play the PS2 console here at home. But since it’s been a little too cold and dark, we both fell asleep on the couch. I wake up from time to time to see him and I’m glad he’s getting sleep. He’s been up all night trying to work his mind up regarding his problem. I worry a lot. I could be grumpy all I want but today is all about him, so I put my toddler issues aside be the person he needs me to be. I just want to cheer him up for even a little while.

Well, Happy Valentines!

I have the day off today from work but it’s pretty useless since I was up all night on a graveyard shift and I must sleep the whole day to compensate for it. Some would say I’m pretty lucky to have the day off but do I even get to have a date? Nope, boyfriend is spending his day at the hospital for work. So blah, Valentines. I did drop by his place early this morning around 7AM to dispatch some morning Valentine coffee but he’s been having this headache due to last night’s gathering with his work buds so he couldn’t even stay awake long enough for my benefit. As for me, I am too damn sleepy as well to even try to keep him awake so we slept the morning. Coffee gone cold. I left around 10AM and hastily drank cold coffee on my way out.

Trip home from graveyard duty is a bitch, I tell you. I’m scared to fall asleep in a public transportation because a) I’m afraid once I wake up, I have nothing left. b) I may not look my best asleep on a vehicle. I might drool. I might fall over. Keyword here is might. Because when I lack some rest, I sleep like it’s nobody’s business. That’s fine at home, but somewhere public, it’s such a huge effort to maintain some kind of dignity and respect when you’re drooling and sleeping off on some stranger’s shoulder. Nope, not the kind where there’s a cute guy, etc. The kind where they push your head away because they find you annoying. Oh, the horror.

Anyway, I get to date our PS2 and play games. Something that I’ve been planning to do all freaking day long except I slept all day. But I still have all night so I’ll do just that. I don’t think I could sleep early since my sleep wake cycles are messed up now.

(Oh and great, WP just erased everything I wrote.)

Here’s to hoping tomorrow will be better. Cheers!

In surgery no more.

Hello! It’s been more than a month, I know. But hey, apparently our monthly internet bill is a little too much for what our financial capability can handle so I think my mom decided to get rid of it altogether. Which means, no internet for me in quite a long while. I miss hanging out in cyberspace but I really can’t afford the time to go out of the house and rent at a computer shop.

So, as a solution to that, my mom bought this Globe Tattoo stick. I hate it initially but I am very, very impressed with its performance. It’s fast! And I can open a few tabs all at once without having to wait at least five minutes before it loads, unlike the previous sticks they had before. Slow like a freaking dial up, what the hell. We have the Tattoo 999Php (not sure what it’s called) and it’s my mom’s so I’m thinking of getting my own stick, probably the Tattoo Flash sometime soon.

It only depresses me though that I won’t be able to download the shows I’m following like I used to. I ind it a bit of a hassle to load 50Php every day to avail the unlimited surfing but oh well. It does the job, and that means a lot from what I initially expected.

Time flies by so fast! In a few days time I’m done with my Surgery rotation and I still don’t have any idea where I’ll be put in next. If I had a choice, I’d love to be retained. I like Surgery. I got used to the people already. I know how it works. But now I have to adjust again at some other area. It’s sad. (And I know I originally hate the area but like I said, you get used to it).

I’m thinking of taking up Critical Care Nursing training sometime in the future, by the way. There’s adrenaline in situations where the patient is arresting that I love, for some reason. And I would really like to learn more about it. I wanted to be an EMT/Paramedic since before I became registered and I would have started training for it if not for the following reasons: a) I’m not fit b) the training is freaking expensive! Around 30k expensive. It needs saving up. Did I mention I am so freaking broke right now?

On the up side, my hair is long and I just recently had it rebonded again. It’s a painful process I tell you! Or at least for me! My hair is damaged and with every pull I can freaking hear it break! It makes me want to cry. But it turned out okay eventually and I guess I should promise to take better care of it this time around. Hey, I’m thinking of growing it really long. What do you think? Pictures maybe next time! (And I should probably tell you the place where I got it done, I still haven’t gotten over it).

It’s the 11th today; it’s a monthsary! But we rly don’t count, so.

I used to love it a lot when it rains more than the day being sunny. But now that I don’t get to stay and cuddle in bed when it does, I kind of hate it and the people who can. How is everyone?

Jeff and I argued a lot yesterday and the night before over the silliest things. Like I was supposed to prepare food for the both of us but he was angry because I didn’t bring rice (I told him to bring it!); fully expecting he could eat a good meal. We ended up eating cup noodles in silence. I was very pissed off over the wasted food we didn’t get to eat and he was pissed over the fact that he expected.

Another one is this. Pepper, the adorable dog that she is, chewed Jeff’s 8gb phone memory card that I borrowed from him. It’s a good thing I saved the photos from the memory card or else… I really don’t know what he would have done. Here’s what it looked like from my dog’s mouth:

Nope, he wasn't the least bit happy at all when I told him.

We argued over the phone, quite loudly now that I think of it (and my dad hearing it downstairs makes me a bit embarrassed) because I placed a wrong order (not really wrong but incomplete) on one of our supplier for our shop’s clients. It’s a waste of money, naturally and I have already informed the client how I should be shipping their orders about next week, much to her excitement. Now, how do I explain she might need to wait a little longer? Yes, we argued over that plus the various things and issues it morphed into. Business is freaking hard; someone is about to make a mistake sooner or later whom in this case, is me.

And then my laptop charger giving up on me. It just gave up! I really need my laptop on a daily basis, even if I have nothing completely important to do. So I’m in a “blah” mood ever since. Today, my brother and I decided to dissect it (my father said so!) so he can take a look at what’s wrong inside. It’s not under warranty anymore so I guess that’s okay. But it didn’t really bring any good, it’s still whacked. I need to get a new one.

my dissected laptop charger

On a better note, look what I got the other day:

red and navy blue satchel <3

I’ve been thinking about how I’d love to have a new bag lately, only I can’t decide what. I bought this because I fell in love with the colors. I got a 13″ satchel because the 11″ although cheaper might not be enough for the stuff I usually bring. I’ve been lugging this to work the past few days but I realized I hate bringing it. The synthetic leather gets scratched easily and I’m afraid it might peel off a little too soon. I don’t have time to be careful so I decided to just bring it around when I occasionally go out. My pink Jansport is still my best bet. (I’m thinking of buying Jeff a satchel though!)

I still have a few purchases lately but I haven’t taken a photo of it so I’ll save it for next time.

Day 35/365: Hello December!

Hello, December!

I should probably stop making excuses or explain why I haven’t written in a long while (because nobody really reads that shit, let alone care) and actually talk about something substantial. There’s a lot going on everyday but being back to actively writing after a long while, I feel like my vocabulary froze up and I can’t express myself well enough. I blame it on not being able to read leisurely like I used to and to the general lack of practice in writing alone. I turn sabaw when I try too hard to squeeze anything.

I declare that I am in a forever love-hate relationship with WordPress and many times I am tempted to go back to Blogspot where there are more customizations available and I don’t have to pay anything for it. But I like it here because it’s neat. So I’m staying. (Although excuse my changing of themes often because I just can’t get the look I want).

Anyway, hey! I’m on graveyard shifts now! And I’m in Surgery ward. Am I happy? No. I can’t regulate my body to stay awake at the unholy hours of the evening/morning. I get so grumpy at around 2AM– I can’t even keep my eyes open. The fact that I’m working with le boyfriend on graveyards isn’t helping at all. Most of the time we’re too busy to talk anyway.

As if on cue, patients turn on fevers at 40 C every four hours. Half the time I am expecting them to convulse with fevers that high but thank you Lord, they haven’t. Or at least not yet. Relatives panicking but when I try to advise them to do something (independent action first!), they won’t do it anyway. Panic comes first apparently, no matter what assurance I give. So, paracetamol it is. (Trivia: do you know how damn hard it is to aspirate that bloody drug in a syringe? So viscous! Makes my fingers hurt every freaking time, considering I give about ten doses in a shift!) Only when you give medication do they believe that you’re actually doing something for them.

The biggest challenge has always been trying to keep a friendly tone and not sound pissed. Some of the patient’s guardians would really argue. I couldn’t blame them though since they really don’t have the knowledge needed to prioritize and to know when serious is serious. Most of the time they’d think you weren’t paying enough attention on the patient when you weigh the condition as “not really urgent”.

I try to love it here in Surgery but as of the moment I’m finding it hard to. Philippine government setting: no supplies, even alcohol or gloves. No syringe supplies! I’ll make a mental note never, ever be confined in a government hospital. I’d rather spend for my health. J. removed a foley cath barehanded some days ago. My jaw dropped to the floor; I wanted to be angry. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Touch something that just came from a patient’s privates with bare hands, are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS.

But that aside, quite sure he’ll never do it again. Gross.

Anyway, in case you’re wondering what Day 35/365 means, it’s my current one year contract with the hospital I’m working at right now as a Nurse under the Department of Health program RN Heals. Counting the days of my one year work as a nurse!

I’ll try to write about some of the stuff that keeps me sane and happy in my next post maybe, so I won’t bore you with my everyday hospital experiences. Being a nurse and being a patient in a government hospital is tough, tougher for the latter. I am sorry if it’s not ideal practice but we make do with what we can with so limited resources.

Also, I found some bloggers from the past! Please check them out in my Fellow Bloggers list. If you have a blog, do drop me a link. I’d love to exchange links with you. I’ve been on a search for blogs to read on a regular basis so drop me a line!